Monday, September 14, 2009

Why is this happening to me?

So, I was a good girl. I loved school. I loved it so much, that I would cry if I had to miss it.  Even if I were sick.  I remember, as a child, telling my mother that I needed to get home to do my homework.  I excelled in school and this was important to my family.  As the child of immigrants, I understood in the core of my being that getting an education was the way to "make it".  I wouldn't be that girl from the strange foreign family in the lily white suburbs of Metropolis. I would be something one day.  Just stay in school.  A president told me that actually, and it stuck.

So, I was always an honor student.  I didn't have any pressure from my parents--it was all me.  I couldn't stand the idea of a "C".  The biggest insult I could ever hear would be that I was stupid.  I read books like people at the rate that fat people consume food.  Or drunks drink whiskey.  I couldn't get enough of it.  I went on to graduate with honors from College... and I continued on to Law School in due fashion like I had a fire under my ass.  I don't know why I rushed. But I felt compelled to become someone. I was going to be an ATTORNEY.  I would have a title that would scream "educated and respected."  Or so I thought.

I never really concerned myself with boys.  I was told, you have time.  Get your education.  Marriage and children can wait.  Why didn't my biological clock get that message?  So, I rushed through school.  For the very first time in my life, I found school to be a little much to handle. I graduated, but I didn't do wonderfully and I realized that the cards were stacked against me when I graduated.  But I told myself that I didn't need anyone to help me.  Screw career services.  Who needs 'em. I passed the bar and I can make my own way.  Just needed to stay focused.  Men and babies can wait.  Marriage can wait.  It's career that matters.

So, over half a decade later. I find myself in the worst recession nearing the magnitude of the great recession... and I find myself laid off.  And here I go again.  With yet another set back.  A measly savings.  A stupid 401K that was hit so hard with the stock market down turn, that it fell over.   I can't believe I'm here.  I did everything right. I have nothing to show for it.  What does it matter if you have a decent salary if you're stuck with nothing after a couple of years.  Why didn't I just get knocked up again?  At least I'd go home to a baby's smiling face.  I'm not complaining. I do have a couple of things to show for myself. But I just expected so much more.  And I'm not suffering from entitlement.  I just don't know what more I could have done.  My uneducated immigrant parents had a 5 bedroom house, two cars and two kids by the time they were my age. I have nothing... except a large student loan and dismal job prospects.

I'm just mourning the loss of what I never got to have. 


  1. Ok, sure I'm going to sound like a cliche, but trust your fate. You have a lot of love.

  2. I'm said, "Why didn't I just get knocked up AGAIN?"

    You failed to mention getting "knocked up" and mentioned that children could wait?

    Did you abort for education and career, or was that a typo? If it's the former, I'm really sorry.


  3. Never have had an abortion and never would. Interesting take. I just meant, why did I become the career type instead of the marrying type.

  4. Pardon my nearly a year-late comment but I thought you made an interesting observation about our parents' generation and our "progress" measured by theirs. I've wondered about that too---how, for example, blue-collar, in my case first-generation children of immigrants, had become homeowners and parents like five years younger than I am now.

    Maybe if you don't pursue a career, life gets pretty boring and you just "settle down" and get married? Or maybe the prosperity index (or whatever terms are used to measure how much bang for the buck one gets) were better thirty to forty years ago?

  5. Im obviously incredibly late to this, but I can't stop myself from saying -YOU DIDNT DO EVERYTHING RIGHT. If you had, you would have done wonderfully in law school! Who knows, maybe you'd still be stuck where you currently are. But just maybe, that wouldve been the change needed to turn your entire life around. I cant believe no one has pointed that out before...

    1. ... because it's bollocks and you're an ass



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