The Law School Propaganda Machine Speaks: Open Your Own Law Firm Right After Graduation!

In light of the many desperate and unemployed graduates, the Propaganda machine is promoting hope by insisting that lawyers can practice right out of law school. Yah, right. As all BIDER readers know, graduates know nothing of how to practice the law. If they endeavored to open their own firm, the firm would cease at the point where a client asked the new attorney to file an action for negligence or to submit an answer to a complaint. Countless court clerks would laugh in your face as you scramble and try to make deadlines with wholly insufficient paperwork and would guard the door to the file room with condescending comments like, "I didn't go to law school and I know how to practice law better than you do," or "how is it that you didn't know there are supposed to be one inch margins on this motion and it's supposed to be double spaced and no longer than 10 pages? Didn't you go to law school?" I didn't make these comments up. When I took my first job as an associate, I worked for a non-praciticing solo who hired associates to make ASSES of themselves trying to pursue client's legal rights. He gave no guidance whatsoever and and thousands of dollars were wasted on trial and error when we tried to submit pretty much anything with the clerks of court. I was told these very same lines, when I came down to the courthouse with legal paperwork I slaved over. It's brutal. I actually developed a phobia of law clerks, that haunts me until today. That's just one hurdle to practicing the law without any experience or guidance whatsoever.
Let's see what "advice" they give to new graduates (italics are mine):

• For example, if you want to focus your firm around litigation, spend a few days at the local courthouse. Befriend the employees who work behind the counters along with other courthouse staff; they are usually glad to show a respectful young attorney how to properly fill out and file paperwork. In a few minutes they may show you more about how the court system works than you learned in your entire law school career. Not my experience at all. See above. High School and College educated clerks love to make lawyers feel like shit. It's the hi-light of their day. I would add to this bit of advice, and this made my practice easier as a woman, wear a short skirt and a low cut shirt when you go to the clerk's office. Make sure you wait in line until a male clerk is available. Flirt unabashedly so that he doesn't inspect your papers with a magnifying glass. Get your copy stamped and run.
• If you would like to focus your new practice on transactional work, consider volunteering at a local bar association, which may train volunteer attorneys on certain matters in exchange for taking on a certain number of cases pro bono. Sure... I have yet to see this program. You will take pro bono cases that will engulf your life and you will not get paid for them. They won't be resolved for months, and maybe years. Be super sweet to your client, maybe they will refer their other brokester friends to you.
• When speaking to opposing counsel, do not feel intimidated by the other lawyer's experience. If something feels out of place and the opposing counsel may be wrong, you must double check and say something. Be unfriendly to opposing counsel. That way, you can be short with conversations when you have no clue what you're talking about and that may give you time to run to the internet and see what you should say next. Don't cringe when they say, "Have you done this type of law before?" Whenever you think its appropriate, say that you're celebrating your thirtieth birthday that next court date, and would prefer a date later in the week.
• Many established attorneys and larger firms routinely turn away clients that cannot afford their fees or matters that to them are small. You can call and befriend established practitioners and see if they can refer the smaller cases and potential clients that cannot afford their fees to you. As a new law firm, you will not have the overhead costs of larger firms and as a result can handle the matter for a smaller fee and still make a profit. See first bullet point. When you meet friendly lawyers from other firms that may or may not give you clients, call them and make a coffee date and dress the part. Flirt like crazy and give them a feeling that they will get some if they give you clients. Don't wear a wedding ring. You can go back to business as usual and mention your husband once they give you a client for which you have a signed retainer.
• If you, as a newly minted law school graduate, have the right attitude, confidence and skills, and put in the amount of work necessary to succeed, you can achieve your goal of opening a law firm directly from law school. Bullshit.

So, that's my take on their advice. I will add to the above, that you had better get malpractice insurance because you're going to need it. Good luck!