Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Schlong Contest.

This was a rough week for me, professionally.  I am a litigator.  99% of the time, I am extremely satisfied with the result and with my performance. I get my point across to the judge, even if I have to raise my voice and sometimes speak over the opposing counsel. I find, if I keep repeating my point, the judge will hear me and I can sway him/her my way.  My clients are satisfied with their representation. I have been called a bulldog more than once.  I try to keep my composure and I don't like to yell. I am honest and forthcoming. I don't play tricks.  I like the type of lawyer that I am.

But there are days when I hate being a lawyer and I just want to throw in the towel.  These days come up more often since I've become a court-running attorney.  Overall, I thoroughly enjoy the adversarial nature of it.  But sometimes, I can't handle the way other attorneys treat me.  I guess, on some infrequent occasions, I feel like I'm in a schlong contest with no schlong. In other words, if I had one, I feel like my point would be better made if I whipped it out of my pants and laid it on the table and measured it.. and it was bigger than opposing counsel's.

For example, I was sitting in court waiting for opposing counsel (who I have never met or spoken to) to arrive, so I can discuss the possibility of settlement.  I was in the jury box and I overheard an older gentleman check in with the clerk on my case.  I approached him with a rather blank look on my face and no preconceptions of what he was thinking or going to say.  I said, "Sir..." because I try to be respectful of older opposing counsel.

He says, "Are you going to speak to me like a human being or like an animal?!"

I was floored.  Where did this animosity come from?  Once again, I felt the urge to whip it out and compare and contract appendages with opposing counsel so we could settle our caveman contest.

We eventually spoke and he calmed down, but I cannot understand why he hit me so hard when I said nothing to him.

Like I said, it doesn't happen often.  But when it happens, it definitely burns me and bothers me the rest of the day.

Earlier this week, I conducted a deposition of a defendant.  I tried to lay the groundwork for the depo, i.e. are you on any meds today?  Do you understand your testimony here has the full force and effect of testimony in front of a judge/jury?  Please answer verbally, not by bobbing your head or with hand gestures.   You know, questions that a deponent may consider useful if they are not regularly involved in litigation. I'm not talking about airplane instructions on how to exit.  I consider these questions/instructions useful.

Once again, before I even finished my first prep question, the octogenarian opposing counsel jumped down my throat as if I was Linda Lovelace.

"MY CLIENT ISN'T GOING TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS UNLESS THEY INVOLVE THE ACCIDENT, SO GET TO THE POINT."

Geez, man.  I got to the point, and let the prep questions go.  Of course, his client (probably Hispanic in origin and definitely not fluent enough in English), was answering with uh-huhs and huh-huhs and not letting me finish the question before he jumped in with answers. In other words, all issues that could have been easily cured if he let me finish a fucking sentence before he screamed out "OBJECTION" and instructed his client not to answer.

It was a disaster of a deposition. He wouldn't let me ask a question unless I used precise legal terminology--when I speak in plain English--and his client inevitably had no clue what the hell the legal jargon meant.

Then it got bad, where the old man would jump in and change his client's testimony if he didn't think he answered appropriately.

I blew up.  I went off the record, turned beet red and I told him to shut up and stop interrupting me. I'm not as young as I look and I know exactly what I'm saying and how I'm saying it and I don't appreciate his brash behavior.

He shut up.

I felt the testosterone pumping through my veins, burning my ovaries barren. I hated the way it felt.

So, I know that this sort of thing happens to people all the time.  But I think this experience uniquely affects women.  It's very bizarre to feel emasculated as a woman, but that's how you feel when you inadvertently enter into a schlong contest with a domineering, loudmouth attorney.

Anyone have similar stories to share?

20 comments:

  1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFu34HEdbuU

    Go to 3:10. Therein lies your mistake.

    Just saying "Sir?" is not polite.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ha. That's great. Love that movie.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "I blew up. I went off the record, turned beet red and I told him to shut up and stop interrupting me. I'm not as young as I look and I know exactly what I'm saying and how I'm saying it and I don't appreciate his brash behavior."

    Don't go off the record. Apparently you have much to learn in the art of litigation young Jedi.

    This video will help:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNKmmA6_oTQ

    I am sorry to tell you this, but you are no bulldog if you let these run of the mill tactics run you over.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Everyone's a critic. I'm not an idiot. All of his blow-ups were on the record with my arguments against his objections. I didn't want my unilateral blow-up to be on the record. I don't want to be the ass. He came off as the ass. Don't question my abilities as an attorney. I know that I'm good. I've had enough real life confirmation of this. But old fart men come from a far more asshole, adversarial time than newer attorneys. No one is trying to hide the ball these days. You put it all out there and then deal with the facts.
    Not to mention the fact that NY changed the rules re: depos and this type of behavior (by him) is frowned upon...
    http://blog.bluestonelawfirm.com/articles-the-new-rules-for-depositions.html
    So, thanks for your constructive criticism, but I know what I'm doing. Sorry if I'm being a bitch, but this was a bad week for me.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Do what I do. Don't get the answer you want. Turn around 360 degrees. Ask it again.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yeah, Angel, welcome to my world! I had a deponent try to THROTTLE me once. (And I was pregnant at the time!) Did anybody make a move to assist me? Of course not. Another time I had opposing counsel *run away from me* in a courtroom hall after the judge had ordered her to share a copy of his tentative with me. (Again, pregnant! About 8 months -- I must have looked ridiculous waddling at top speed after her. Oy.)

    but you are absolutely right about the absurdity of finding yourself to be a lady in a dick-measuring contest. i keep thinking that it will get better when I get a little older and look to have more gravitas (because the kind of crapola I get from (usually) male lawyers tends to be of the "you're such a stupid little girl" variety). But Jesus, I am pushing 40!

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Are you on any drugs or medications which would interfere with your ability to tell the truth"

    is a completely normal, reasonable question. I litigate most of the time in federal court and if my adversary directed his witness not to answer that question, I would immediately call the magistrate judge for a ruling.

    I'm not sure what I would do in state court. The problem is that if you back down, the other attorney knows he can keep bullying you.

    My guess is that you would be within your rights to terminate the deposition and make a motion.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The only way to respond to irrationality is with even greater irrationality.

    "Sir..."
    "Are you going to speak to me like a human being or like an animal?"
    "Not just animal, a manimal!"

    People like this are used to their erratic behavior making other people either nervous/scared or angry/confrontational, and they're prepared to deal with either reaction. Throw them a response they aren't expecting and it will bring them back down to earth.

    It's the exact same tactic for breaking through a girl's bitch-shield at a bar or a club. She's prepared to deal with cheesy pickup lines, generic compliments, and offers to buy her a drink. But, "What the fuck is this Real Housewives of DC bullshit?! Give me Jill Zaren or get the fuck off the TV!" ...the bitch shield just isn't designed to repel something like that (until enough people start doing the same thing, then like the Borg the shields adapt and you need to find a new frequency).

    ReplyDelete
  9. Don't think of it as a contest over something you haven't got - defeatism won't help.

    Bullies respond best when you mirror their behavior - shout back, growl back, spit back, whatever it takes. Then after you've proved your point (I can play this game, too), they'll settle down and you can go back to being your usual angelic self.

    But stop hobbling yourself at the outset by (a) not expecting some of this and (b) framing it as a schlong contest.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I wonder if same gender plays a role in this. I have had very little trouble with opposing male attorneys, although I've met a few irritating ones, but the worst opposing counsel so far I have ever met have been women. Old white women generally (so far always blonde as well, but a delusional, petty, Asian one in NYC Corporation Counsel too). Some of my best adversaries have also been women, but so have the worst.

    I don't like the adversarial nature much. It's only good at really high levels. Adversarial nature is good when you're up against the bigger, more professional law firms, or in federal court, or usually in felony for criminal court. Anything below that has the worst people in the business. Debt collection, foreclosure, PI, "shit law" in general sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  11. While gender may play a role for you, in my case it is different.

    The biggest scumbag attorney that I have dealt with was a Cooley female moron. Loud, pushy, argues issues that have already been decided on, completely ignores precedent. Simply awful.

    That is not to say that male attorneys are not douches. Many are. I can be.

    ReplyDelete
  12. When you are in the right, you should relish being able to scream, shout, out-bully the opponent, particularly when that person is in the wrong and is acting like a brute. I enjoy the adrenaline rush you get in that situation. It's all about tactics, if the opposing attorney can disrupt your deposition without incurring the ire of the court, than they have done their job. Sounds like you put this guy in his place and were able to conduct the deposition the way you wanted. You should be proud of that.

    ReplyDelete
  13. An aneurysm waiting to happen, this lifestyle is...

    Just make sure you take your daily minidose of aspirin to help stave off the inevitable.

    ReplyDelete
  14. it seems like you're working pretty steady in this bad economy. So, stop your whining.

    ReplyDelete
  15. When one works for herself, work does not equal money. Thanks for caring.

    ReplyDelete
  16. That's pretty unprofessional behavior on their part, good for you for standing up to them. Its definitely not a game for a mouse.

    Wish I had more to say. Love that comment about women's shields being like that of the borg. It does make me question though whether the poster actually knows how to break one of said shields...

    ReplyDelete
  17. Bly1 is absolutely hilarious. I try not to encourage him though.. he may get a big head.
    I believe he probably did that once...

    ReplyDelete
  18. I've never been in a deposition. But I'm hungry enough that were some punk ass lawyer to try to disrupt my deposition, THAT I'M PAYING FOR, he'd better expect to play by the book, shut the fuck up, or be thrown the fuck out by the scruff of his neck.

    Court reporters aren't cheap and I'd much rather be fishing than hanging out with some ass-hat getting sued, his fat lawyer, and some random court reporter.

    Take that attitude and you'll have all the tools you need to handle anything anyone tries to throw at you.

    ReplyDelete
  19. My favorite is when opposing counsel asks when the attorney will be arriving.

    I AM the attorney, nitwit.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I primarily practiced in a male-dominated field: construction law. When asked why I left practice over 20 years ago, my answer is always the same: "male lawyers." If it weren't for them, practice would be a lot more civil.

    ReplyDelete

 

Blog Template by YummyLolly.com - Header Image by Arpi