The Schlong Contest.

This was a rough week for me, professionally.  I am a litigator.  99% of the time, I am extremely satisfied with the result and with my performance. I get my point across to the judge, even if I have to raise my voice and sometimes speak over the opposing counsel. I find, if I keep repeating my point, the judge will hear me and I can sway him/her my way.  My clients are satisfied with their representation. I have been called a bulldog more than once.  I try to keep my composure and I don't like to yell. I am honest and forthcoming. I don't play tricks.  I like the type of lawyer that I am.

But there are days when I hate being a lawyer and I just want to throw in the towel.  These days come up more often since I've become a court-running attorney.  Overall, I thoroughly enjoy the adversarial nature of it.  But sometimes, I can't handle the way other attorneys treat me.  I guess, on some infrequent occasions, I feel like I'm in a schlong contest with no schlong. In other words, if I had one, I feel like my point would be better made if I whipped it out of my pants and laid it on the table and measured it.. and it was bigger than opposing counsel's.

For example, I was sitting in court waiting for opposing counsel (who I have never met or spoken to) to arrive, so I can discuss the possibility of settlement.  I was in the jury box and I overheard an older gentleman check in with the clerk on my case.  I approached him with a rather blank look on my face and no preconceptions of what he was thinking or going to say.  I said, "Sir..." because I try to be respectful of older opposing counsel.

He says, "Are you going to speak to me like a human being or like an animal?!"

I was floored.  Where did this animosity come from?  Once again, I felt the urge to whip it out and compare and contract appendages with opposing counsel so we could settle our caveman contest.

We eventually spoke and he calmed down, but I cannot understand why he hit me so hard when I said nothing to him.

Like I said, it doesn't happen often.  But when it happens, it definitely burns me and bothers me the rest of the day.

Earlier this week, I conducted a deposition of a defendant.  I tried to lay the groundwork for the depo, i.e. are you on any meds today?  Do you understand your testimony here has the full force and effect of testimony in front of a judge/jury?  Please answer verbally, not by bobbing your head or with hand gestures.   You know, questions that a deponent may consider useful if they are not regularly involved in litigation. I'm not talking about airplane instructions on how to exit.  I consider these questions/instructions useful.

Once again, before I even finished my first prep question, the octogenarian opposing counsel jumped down my throat as if I was Linda Lovelace.

"MY CLIENT ISN'T GOING TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS UNLESS THEY INVOLVE THE ACCIDENT, SO GET TO THE POINT."

Geez, man.  I got to the point, and let the prep questions go.  Of course, his client (probably Hispanic in origin and definitely not fluent enough in English), was answering with uh-huhs and huh-huhs and not letting me finish the question before he jumped in with answers. In other words, all issues that could have been easily cured if he let me finish a fucking sentence before he screamed out "OBJECTION" and instructed his client not to answer.

It was a disaster of a deposition. He wouldn't let me ask a question unless I used precise legal terminology--when I speak in plain English--and his client inevitably had no clue what the hell the legal jargon meant.

Then it got bad, where the old man would jump in and change his client's testimony if he didn't think he answered appropriately.

I blew up.  I went off the record, turned beet red and I told him to shut up and stop interrupting me. I'm not as young as I look and I know exactly what I'm saying and how I'm saying it and I don't appreciate his brash behavior.

He shut up.

I felt the testosterone pumping through my veins, burning my ovaries barren. I hated the way it felt.

So, I know that this sort of thing happens to people all the time.  But I think this experience uniquely affects women.  It's very bizarre to feel emasculated as a woman, but that's how you feel when you inadvertently enter into a schlong contest with a domineering, loudmouth attorney.

Anyone have similar stories to share?