BIDER Art Contest Entries

Congrats to Underdog, Esq. for winning the contest!

Half of the entries we received were from scambloggers. It's all good. Underdog, Esq. and Esq. Never deserve praise for the poetry and videos they've created this year relating to the law school scam. OhioDocReviewer also submitted entries. You can vote for your favorite in the comments section or email your selection to me along with any comments about the entry you are voting for. Voting will last until August 22nd. The winner will receive a coffee prize from New England Coffee. Thank you to the brave souls who participated!


Law School Deans Discuss the State of Things
by Underdog, Esq. formerly JD Underdog



Twas the Night Before Christmas (Law Dean Version)
by Esq. Never

Twas the night before Christmas for one shifty law dean
As he looked in the mirror and wondered "Am I really that mean?"

"No, I'm simply a businessman", he brashly declared
"Can I be blamed if so many students enrolled unprepared?"

"Why am I somebody these bitter grads do so deplore?
Have they never heard of 'caveat emptor' ?"

Suddenly he realized he wasn't alone as he turned around quick
And to his surprise, he saw a not-very-jolly old St. Nick

"Dean", a glaring Santa blunty stated
"It's perfectly fair for you to be so ardently hated"

"But why?" queried the Dean to the overweight elf
"Does it have anything to do with my promises of wealth?"

"Those salary stats are a lie not in part but in whole
For this you deserve a suitcase worth of coal"

"But", the Dean protested, "on average our graduates make 80 grand!"
Replied Santa, "... if those figures are calculated in South African Rand!"

Mr. Claus took out his laptop to navigate to Craigslist
He wanted to show the Dean some job postings he may have missed

"Look at this" Santa said, "Grads can work per diem for 50 bucks a day"
"They'd be better off on a farm pitching bales of hay!"

Said the Dean, "Come on, there's plenty of great work in temporary document review!"
Santa replied, "They'd have more dignity cleaning the monkey cage at the zoo!"

"At least they'd make good money," the Dean stood resolute.
Santa scoffed, "22 bucks an hour to work for some brute?"

Santa began to deliver a powerful speech
Hoping somehow the Dean's grinch heart he could reach

"Dean, who enters law school to code documents in a dungeon beneath the city
Or to chase ambulances for a chop shop that is as corrupt as it is gritty?"

"Does anyone come to a TTT law school purely for intellectual edification?
Certainly not at the price of a life time of negative amortization."

The dean indignantly asked, "Why do I care what you think?
There's an endless stream of student loans from which I can drink."

Replied Santa, "Careful dean, I'm more powerful than you know
I can do far more than just say, 'Ho, ho, ho' "

"Are you threatening me, Santa? Will you cause me to die?"
"No, Dean, I'm going to make it so you can no longer lie."

The dean was distraught about what he now had to do
He was forced to reveal that the employment stats were horse poo

The salary figures were adjusted to the 40k range
He had to admit the number of unemployed students now dancing for change

And to this very day nobody really knows
The true story as to why that one TTT finally had to close



"Joanymandias" (An Ode to Joan king)
By Percy ByTTThe Cooley (submitted by OhioDocReviewer)

I met a counsellor from an boutique firm
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand on Joralemon Street. Near them, on the berm,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And botoxed lip, and sneer of GOLD demand
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The greed that mocked grads and the school that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Joanymandias, Joan King of Kings:
Look on my networks, ye J.D.s, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that law school wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level asphalt stretches far away.


"Hotel Brooklawonia"
By The Leagles (submitted by OhioDocReviewer)

On a dark New York highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of gorditas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, on Joralemming Street
My heart grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to enroll for the night [program]
There Joan stood in the doorway;
I rang the admissions bell
And I was thinking to myself,
This school could be Heaven or it could be Hell
Then she whipped out a brochure and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

"Welcome to the Hotel Brooklawonia"
Such a fucking place
Such a fucking waste
Plenty of room at the Hotel Brooklawonia
Any time of year, you can wind up here

Joan's mind is Tiffany-twisted, she's got a Mercedes Benz
She got a lot of shifty, shifty tools, that she calls friends
How they dance in the school courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to dissemble, someone will cash your check

So I called up the office,
Please bring me my jobs with wine [bottle service]
He said, "We haven't had those spirits here since nineteen ninety nine"
And still those voices are calling from far away,
We showed up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

"Welcome to the Hotel Brooklawonia"
Such a fucking place
Such a fucking waste
They're livin' it up at the Hotel Brooklawonia
What a nice surprise [after graduation], Joan King has her alibis

Smoke and mirrors at Career Services,
Chin Kee Fatt's telling lies
And she said "You are all just debt prisoners here, of your own device."
And in Joan Wexler's chambers,
They're gathered for the feast
They stab the real stats with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the Beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the life I had before
"Relax," said Chin Kee Fatt, man,
"We are programmed to deceive."
"You can checkout any time you like,"
"But you can never leave [your debt behind]!"