So, I was always an honor student. I didn't have any pressure from my parents--it was all me. I couldn't stand the idea of a "C". The biggest insult I could ever hear would be that I was stupid. I read books like people at the rate that fat people consume food. Or drunks drink whiskey. I couldn't get enough of it. I went on to graduate with honors from College... and I continued on to Law School in due fashion like I had a fire under my ass. I don't know why I rushed. But I felt compelled to become someone. I was going to be an ATTORNEY. I would have a title that would scream "educated and respected." Or so I thought.
I never really concerned myself with boys. I was told, you have time. Get your education. Marriage and children can wait. Why didn't my biological clock get that message? So, I rushed through school. For the very first time in my life, I found school to be a little much to handle. I graduated, but I didn't do wonderfully and I realized that the cards were stacked against me when I graduated. But I told myself that I didn't need anyone to help me. Screw career services. Who needs 'em. I passed the bar and I can make my own way. Just needed to stay focused. Men and babies can wait. Marriage can wait. It's career that matters.
So, over half a decade later. I find myself in the worst recession nearing the magnitude of the great recession... and I find myself laid off. And here I go again. With yet another set back. A measly savings. A stupid 401K that was hit so hard with the stock market down turn, that it fell over. I can't believe I'm here. I did everything right. I have nothing to show for it. What does it matter if you have a decent salary if you're stuck with nothing after a couple of years. Why didn't I just get knocked up again? At least I'd go home to a baby's smiling face. I'm not complaining. I do have a couple of things to show for myself. But I just expected so much more. And I'm not suffering from entitlement. I just don't know what more I could have done. My uneducated immigrant parents had a 5 bedroom house, two cars and two kids by the time they were my age. I have nothing... except a large student loan and dismal job prospects.
I'm just mourning the loss of what I never got to have.